Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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