I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
