someone get that fucking seahorse.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
