I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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