i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
