Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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