I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
