just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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