Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can I color on your dick again?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
