he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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