My sheets look like a crime scene.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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