put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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