How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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