Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
