matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
