Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
