I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
