My brain says no but my pants say off.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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