The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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