I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
