woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize