her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
