i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
