My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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