I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
