I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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