is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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