He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
