Don't make out with my wife yet
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
