Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
