Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
