I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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