wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
