We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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