Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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