OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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