Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
