Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
