Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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