If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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