If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
