I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will die if light touches me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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