He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
