His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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