hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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