I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
