That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
