My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
