why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
