god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
