So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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