Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
