Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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