Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
