I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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