did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize