Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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