His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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