Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
