If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
