Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
