I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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