The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
