I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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