I think I am morally bankrupt
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
