I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
